Buddy Bowl X: The Fraternal Conflict

2nd Annual Buddies Select Live Draft Party Announcement

SLC and TM Square Off for the Trophy

2014 Season Predictions

Back by popular demand, the prognosticator of prognosticators, the seer or seers, summoned from his borrow in the old oak stump at Gobbler's knob, here are TM's 2014 Buddies Select predictions. TM has correctly picked the champion the last four years and the runner up twice in those years, whilst being mostly spot-on in his wild card predictions. It's a wonder they even play the games. TM definitely sees a shadow this year. It's 16 more weeks of winter folks! (And be sure to click on the vid above for the trailer to the hot new fantasy movie coming out this fall. It's called Tempo Di Massacro and it's sure to revolutionize the movie industry!)

Namath Division

Tiananmen Massacreres - 12-1 * Win Division
Unarguably the greatest assemblage of talent in Buddies Select history with arguably the best, or at worst second best, talent groups at any given position. The 2015 version of the Massacreres looks to be an unstoppable force that has the ability to surpass their very own most dominant season the league has ever seen--2012 when the team steamrolled their way to their third of five titles. At this point the question is whether this team is better than a collection of all-stars from the league’s remaining nine teams. The 2014 Massacreres even have a shot at…dare I say it, an undefeated season.

Ron Mexico - 8-5 * Wild Card
It was a tumultuous offseason for the 2013 runner up. Ray Rice slapped his bitch up; Desean Jackson revealed himself as a gang banger; Josh Gordon took a year-long suspension for smokin’ doobies. Even without Gordon, RM has solid units across the board and possesses one of the best receiving groups in the league. If Gordon had won his appeal, RM could have made a similar run to last year’s. Strong front office moves have made this team one of the deepest and most well- balanced, making Mex a consistent playoff qualifier, but that’s no excuse for employing woman-beaters, gang bangers and dope addicts on your team. Reprehensible. Actually, I’m gonna’ let you in on a little secret. He cornered me at the draft and asked to speak to me in confidence. He told me he was wanting to pick up Michael Sam because he thought it would improve his team’s image. No word on whether he was thinking about changing his team name to Free Michael Sam.

Salty Huevos – 7-6 * Wild Card
Only the Pinkies and Spam suffered as many injuries as the Huevos last season, either directly or by proxy (see Matt Ryan). Predicted to challenge for the playoffs last season, it turned out to be a pretty forgettable year as they sunk to league bottom feeder. A Matt Ryan with healthy WRs and an OL that can protect him will vault the Huevos into contention for a wild card. After being a weakness in the last few seasons, Huevos has beefed up their receiving corps, and while lacking in top tier talent, it has become one of the deepest and will be one of the more productive units in the league. RB, however, is a crisis point for this team as Alfred Morris’ usage has become muddled in Jay Gruden’s offense in Washington, while Carlos Hyde is either a Frank Gore injury or a year away from making any significant noise. Beyond Morris, the Huevos are scrapping to get a serviceable starter on the roster. With a healthy dose of both good and bad news, a semi-final run is the best the Huevos can hope for this year.

SpamMerz – 6-7
What is it like to lose your 4 best players to catastophic injury? Ask Spamerz. And we’re talking 4 top shelf players. Merz’s 2013 problems actually started in 2012 when RGIII tore up his knee in the playoffs. Problems followed in the offseason when Percy Harvin blew out his hip and did not score a single fantasy point for Spam the entire season. But that wasn’t the end of it. Julio Jones jacked his foot for the second time in his career. They ripped out the old screw in Julio’s foot and drilled a new one in. Dude has to wear a special shoe now. NFL injuries suck don’t they? Doug Martin fucked up his shoulder. What was thought to be a week-to-week injury turned into a serious, season-ending one, continuing the nightmare season for Spammy. What a fucked up season. I actually had them going to the finals last year. I’d say this team has enough talent to make the playoffs this year, but I don’t trust any of those body parts mentioned above to hold out. But if they did, I could see Spam being a gadfly around playoff time.

BKM No Names – 5-8
Taken together, few teams in the league rival the starting RB collective of AP and Beastmode. I panned BKM’s first ever draft pick when he took Andrew Luck over RGIII. It now looks like taking Luck was the correct call. If you throw Russell Wilson into the conversation, BKM possesses a scary two-headed fantasy monster at QB. But any kind of depth elsewhere is lacking. WR, arguably the most important non-QB position in modern-day fantasy, is a hot mess. That and no attractive options at the FLEX make me a non-believer this year. But I counted out BKM last year, too, so if he makes the playoffs again in 2014 in an absolute slaughterhouse of a division, you can call me a believer.

Unitas Division

SLC Niks – 9-4 * Win Division
The 2014 SLC Niks will win the Unitas Division and rally all the way to their end at the hands of the Massacreres in the Bloody Bowl. I now call it the Bloody Bowl because it has been a near half-decade of merciless slaughters and massacres. But I’m all-in on the 2014 SLC Niks and I look forward to shitting all over their dream season in the finale. Many people panned his Jamaal Charles trade to yours truly, but SLC got Tom Brady in the deal which is precisely the player to put him over the top in this wide-open division. Do you think Roethliesberger or Tannehill were going to lead him to the mountain top? No way. A lot of peeps have been sleeping on this team. But not me. SLC has slowly but surely been adding talent through the draft in a very Green Bay Packerish manner. Along with Brady, SLC possesses probably the deepest RB unit in the league. And with WR also a strength, this team has no glaring weaknesses. 2014 will be marked as the dawning of the Niks.

Cleveland Brownholes – 9-4 * Wild Card
Brownholes started to trim the fat last year by moving on from some of his good/bad players, the boom or bust guys that have riddled his roster the last several seasons. Chris Johnson is gone in a trade to DB; and Miles Austin was cut from the 22 man roster. But frequent no-shows like CJ Spiller, Larry Fitzgerald, and Victor Cruz remain. The ‘Holes do have arguably the second or third best collection of WRs in the league, and of course there’s Aaron Rodgers who is a cinch for top 4 in total points. Those two groups will keep CB in the title hunt, but despite having about 15 of them on his roster, RB is a major question mark and CB knows it cuz if you noticed, he went RB with practically every pick at the draft. Still, anything less than a semi-final appearance would be a disappointment. He and Niks will scrap all season long (like two angry kittens) to see who can claw their way to the top of the Unitas Division heap.

Dough Boys – 6-7 * Wild Card
Dough Boys seem to moving parallel in their roster moves and acquisitions. I’m not sure if this team knows whether they are a challenger or a rebuilding team. Whether this team will be as good as last year’s, the early returns are mixed. WR was a position of strength for the Douche Bags, but the position has been obviously downgraded this year after trading away AJ Green; Eric Decker moved to the Jets; and Marvin Jones was shockingly given his walking papers. DB did pull off a coup landing Mike Evans in draft. Evans inexplicably fell to pick #7. But just as that pick is worth celebrating, DB made a rookie mistake by failing to draft Zac Stacy handcuff and future starter Tre Mason with his second round pick, instead throwing the pick away on Jimmy Garroppolo, a player destined to become either quick waiver fodder or a roster space eater for years to come. DB does have LeSean McCoy and a strong DEF in the Carolina Panthers to remain a weekly threat, but it’ll take some convincing for me to believe this is anything better than a .500 team.

Mullstaches – 5-8
Peyton Manning will again torture Buddies Select with his massively obscene passing numbers. The problem for Mullstaches, though, is amphibious, for Knowshon Moreno is now a Dolphin, and one part of that buckin’ Bronco combo is gone. Mullstaches pulled off some nice picks at the draft party, netting himself some future contributors, but outside of Manning, the present is not quite as bright. RB and WR are both middling and lack depth. Unfortunately for everyone else, the Mullstaches still cannot be counted out as long as Peyton’s alive. Dude already has no arm. He’s doing it on a mental level never before seen in football. If he stays healthy he could pull a George Blanda and play til he’s in his mid-40s.

Pinkies – 5-8
Put Peyton Manning on this roster and you’ve got a playoff team. But that is not the case for there’s no denying the short-term, full-on crisis at quarterback for this team. Prior to the draft, Pinkies had 4 quarterbacks that were either NFL backups, 3rd stringers or completely unrosterable. Laying the foundation for the future by selecting Johnny Fooseball with the 10th pick in the draft, the Pinkies will remain in rebuilding mode for the short-term, even if they can find a decent stop gap QB in free agency or via trade. Though fairly solid at RB, the Pinkies are left wanting at the WR position…not an auspicious outlook for modern fantasy football. Nevertheless, this team is primed to wheel and deal, so look for the Pinkies to compete well above their talent level with a hungry owner looking to get his first taste of the postseason since 2011.

Buddy Bowl VII Tease

2013 Draft Kit

Click here for the link to DL and unzip the documents for the 2013 draft.